It should be clear by now that only crazy people will be voting for Kamala Harris this November.* With 50% inflation on fuel, 30% inflation on food, and the threat of global thermonuclear war hanging over our heads, who could vote for more of that? An even better question is, how crazy would you have to be to want to work for Kamala? It just so happens that Kamala’s campaign has a vetting process to weed out any non-crazy people from coming to work for her!
Even if you want to work for Kamala Harris, it’s not an easy job. Kamala is allegedly drunk by about 10:30 a.m. every morning. She gets very cranky when it gets closer to her naptime, so you don’t want to make eye contact with her during that part of the day. This works out fine for the interns, however. They’re forbidden from ever making eye contact with her under any circumstances.
Kamala often flies into a drunken rage and berates people in front of the entire staff. It’s soul-crushing and it involves a lot of F-bombs. As a result, she’s had a 92% staff turnover rate in less than four years as the unelected vice president of Joe Biden. None of hers staffers were fired. They all quit in tears.
With that in mind, there are a few things you should know before you apply for a job with her campaign.
For starters, there is a medical requirement if you want to work for Kamala. Don’t worry. It doesn’t involve any heavy lifting or anything physical like that. It’s more similar to flunking an IQ test. You must be able to prove to the campaign that you’ve had some COVID shots if you want to work for Kamala Harris.
Specifically, you need eight shots.
Eight!
That’s the first two series shots from way back in 2021 and all six booster shots. Don’t worry, it’s totally safe and effective. Dr. Tony Fauci says so and you know he’s voting for Kamala in November. Sure, Dr. Fauci caught COVID again last month—but imagine how bad it could have been if he didn’t have eight shots coursing through his veins!
This next requirement is even crazier. When you apply for a job with the Harris 2024 campaign, you have to let them know your pronouns. There are nine sets of pronouns to choose from on the website. Here they are:
- He / Him
- She / Her
- They / Them
- Xe / Xem
- Ze / Hir
- Ey / Em
- Hir / Hir
- Fae / Faer
- Hu / Hu**
If you are super-duper crazy and don’t fit into one of those nine pronoun categories, there is also a “Custom” option where you can just make up whatever gender pronouns you want. People are already offering a cash reward on X.com to the first reporter who asks Tim Walz to explain the difference between a Ze / Hir and a Fae / Faer.
Those are just some of the hoops that you would have to jump through if you wanted to work for the Kamala Harris campaign. Pro tip: If you’ve decided to get all eight of those COVID shots, you might want to space them out a little bit.
* This is assuming that Kamala Harris will still be the nominee by the end of the DNC convention in Chicago this week.
** We don’t know which is crazier—that the Harris campaign considers all these to be real pronouns or the fact that spell check doesn’t consider any of them to be typos.
