Cornell University is now investigating its own president, Michael Kotlikoff, because he had the audacity to slowly back his car out of a parking space while student protesters were physically blocking his vehicle. The incident occurred on April 30, and by May 7, the Board of Trustees had launched a full investigation — not into the mob that surrounded a man's car, but into the man who dared to leave.

In what universe is inching your vehicle out of a parking lot a scandal, but surrounding someone's car like a pack of hyenas is a protected right? Welcome to higher education in 2026.

Here's what actually happened, according to The College Fix. About 200 people had pre-registered for a Cornell Political Union event, and the usual suspects from groups like Students for Justice in Palestine and Students for a Democratic Cornell decided that blocking the university president's car was a perfectly reasonable form of political expression. Kotlikoff, trapped in his vehicle, eventually did what any sane human being would do — he slowly backed up and left.

Kotlikoff himself explained it plainly: "I waited until I saw space behind the car and then, using my car's rear pedestrian alert and automatic braking system, was able to slowly maneuver my car from the parking space and exit the parking lot." So his car literally has a system designed to stop itself if it gets too close to a person, and they're still acting like he went full Mad Max.

But that wasn't good enough for Sophia Arnold, president of Students for a Democratic Cornell, who told NewsChannel 9 that "a random pedestrian pulling out of a supermarket parking lot would probably have shown more care." She also complained, "He hadn't signaled or honked, or even rolled down the window and said, 'Get out of my way.'" Oh, I'm sorry — did you need a formal written invitation to stop blocking someone's car? Maybe a notarized letter?

Meanwhile, Cornell sophomore Noah Farb told The Free Press the obvious truth that everyone with a functioning brain already knew: "His only choice was to remain there for what likely would have been hours, or to, as he did, slowly back out." That's it. That's the whole story. A man refused to be held hostage in a parking lot.

The Board of Trustees, in peak institutional cowardice, announced that "this investigation will inform the Board's fact-based review of the events of that night in their entirety." Fact-based. Sure. The facts are that a group of students surrounded a car, refused to move, and the driver left at approximately 2 miles per hour. Investigation complete.

This isn't even the first time Cornell's activist class has pulled this kind of stunt. Back in February, they disrupted another speech on campus. It's a pattern — block, harass, intimidate, and then cry victim when anyone pushes back, even at the speed of a shopping cart.

Kotlikoff, to his credit, said something that should be carved into the wall of every university administration building in America: "This has no place in an academic community, no place in a democracy, and can have no place at Cornell."

He's right. But here we are. The president of an Ivy League university is under investigation for committing the unspeakable crime of driving his own car. Slowly. With automatic braking engaged. God help us all.