So Iran just announced its newest military weapon in the standoff against the United States Navy. Ready for this? Bomb-carrying suicide dolphins. Yes. The Islamic Republic — which has spent forty years chanting “Death to America” and promising to wipe Israel off the map — is now banking its entire naval strategy on Flipper with a mine strapped to his back.
Welcome to clown world, folks. Even the dolphins are trying to get out of Iran.
According to the Wall Street Journal, Iranian officials have threatened to deploy mine-carrying dolphins to attack U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz. These aren’t even dolphins they trained themselves. They bought Soviet-trained military dolphins back in 2000 — which means these dolphins are pushing 30 years old and were trained by a country that doesn’t exist anymore. Iran’s cutting-edge military strategy is secondhand Russian dolphins from the Clinton administration.
The dolphins were allegedly trained to carry mines on kamikaze strikes against enemy ships and also had harpoons attached to their backs. Harpoons. On dolphins. Someone in the Iranian Revolutionary Guard watched too many James Bond movies and said, “Yes, but what if we did this… with a porpoise?”
(We’re honestly not sure whether to laugh or call PETA. Maybe both.)
Here’s what this really tells you about how the U.S. blockade is working: when your military response to the most powerful navy on earth is “weaponized sea mammals,” you are out of options. You’re not projecting strength. You’re projecting the plot of a bad SyFy Channel movie.
Think about it. The United States has aircraft carrier strike groups, nuclear submarines, Tomahawk cruise missiles, and F-35 stealth fighters parked in the region. Iran’s countermove is a dolphin with a backpack bomb that was trained by Soviets before most of their own soldiers were born.
President Trump reimposed the blockade and cranked sanctions to maximum pressure. The regime screamed. They threatened. They rattled every saber they had. And when none of that worked, some genius in Tehran apparently said, “What about the dolphins?”
That’s not a military escalation. That’s a Hail Mary from a regime that can feel the walls closing in.
Oh, and it gets even better. The Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps also threatened to cut undersea phone cables in the Strait of Hormuz to disrupt global internet traffic. So their two-pronged attack plan is: suicide dolphins and cutting phone wires. Somewhere, a North Korean general is watching this and thinking, “At least we have missiles.”
The sanctions are working. The blockade is working. And Iran is so desperate that they’ve moved past asymmetric warfare and straight into circus warfare.
We’ve been told for years by the foreign policy “experts” that maximum pressure doesn’t work, that you need to negotiate with Iran, that you need to give them pallets of cash like Obama did and hope they pinky-swear not to build a nuke. Well, look at the results. Obama gave them $150 billion and they accelerated their nuclear program. Trump squeezed them until their economy cratered and now they’re threatening us with aquatic mammals.
Which approach seems to be working better?
The ayatollahs are cornered. Their economy is in shambles. Their proxies are getting dismantled. Their people are protesting in the streets. And their big military reveal is a dolphin bomb that was old technology when George W. Bush was in office.
We should honestly send Iran a thank-you note. Nothing sells the effectiveness of American foreign policy quite like your enemy announcing that their last resort is a suicidal porpoise with a Soviet training certificate.
Somebody get those dolphins asylum. They deserve better than this.